his joy is my strength

As a teenager I really struggled with anxiety, often caused by completely irrational fears that even resulted in panic attacks. For anyone who hasn’t experienced this, you cannot tell someone who experiences anxiety to simply 'stop worrying,' 'you have nothing to be anxious about' or 'everything is going to be okay.'

Telling someone to not focus on the uncontrollable emotion they are experiencing, doesn’t help at all, in fact, it just amplifies the anxiety. I’ve learnt that you cannot reassure someone who has limited control of their thoughts. The only thing to do, is to focus on what can be controlled - breathing - and to focus on that so much that the overwhelming, often irrational thoughts that are causing weakness are drowned out.

Over the past 15 years, I have experienced the full spectrum of my anxiety and it has been a roller coaster learning to navigate life with this weakness. Although there have been many times when I have begged God to take away my anxiety, I am reminded that this weakness isn’t designed to trip me up, but rather a weakness to enhance God’s strength.

This is about to get very real. I’ve seen anxiety or depression as a weakness, but I’ve also seen it as a flaw in my relationship with God [which is completely not true]. How can I love God and be anxious? There must be something wrong with my relationship with God?

Recently I’ve had a complete shift in my perspective on anxiety and depression, my perspective has been flawed, not my relationship with God.

Maybe you need to read that again, just to let it really hit home. Anxiety doesn’t make you any less human just because you have a weakness. Everyone has a weakness, some are just less visible to others.

For years I believed that if I loved God that I needed to have my life together, that I couldn’t be honest about my weaknesses, because then I would be seen as weak or that I lacked faith. But some of the most faith-full people in the Bible had weaknesses, they had anxiety, depression and God used them. Just because I have a relationship with God does not mean that I become perfect, I just become whole.

I also believed that if God was my strength that I, by default, needed to be happy. I know now that this is flawed because I had misinterpreted a scripture. Mostly because I was trying to convince myself that I always needed to be happy and that I couldn’t express any other emotion [talk about living in a constant facade].

To me a lack of emotional control or overwhelming anxiety meant that I was a failure because I needed to be 'perfect' but joy is not a momentary emotion, it’s a posture of the heart.

The joy of the Lord is my strength. The joy of the Lord is my strength. The joy of the Lord is my strength. The joy of the Lord is my strength. The joy of the Lord is my strength.

These eight words would repeat in my mind whenever I was feeling overwhelmed. I would say them to myself over and over again, until I believed it.

But I wasn’t trusting God’s joy to be my strength. I was trusting God’s strength to be my joy. I don’t know when I got that mixed up, but for years I was convinced that if I had God’s strength that I shouldn’t experience anything but joy… And yes, scripture encourages us to be joyful always, but not at the expense of every other human emotion [we are just human after all].

The full spectrum of emotion is essential if we want to be effective. We need emotions to give us perspective, to understand what we truly value, and to understand empathy for others. And although a posture of joy should be our default, I have learnt that it is okay to experience and express every emotion - God sees it all anyway - so why hide our vulnerability from Him?

Experiencing emotion has taught me recently that God’s joy is not my joy, and God’s strength is not my strength. It’s God’s joy that is my strength.

This got me thinking about God’s joy… What would be considered as 'the joy of the Lord.’ What brings God joy? Too often [I know I do this and maybe you do too], but I complicate the most simplest of things.

So when I was thinking about God’s joy, I knew that it needed to be simple. The first thing that came to mind is God’s creation. I can picture God’s joy in creating every sunrise, sunset and starry night sky. God’s joy is in noticing everything He created, He even finds joy in every human He has created. He finds joy in seeing relationships grow - friendships, marriage, family - and people just loving each other with a genuine love.

God’s joy results in my strength. So on the days when joy seems far away, and I am overwhelmed by my weaknesses, I don’t need to 'snap out of it’ I need to seek God’s joy. I choose to take a moment to gaze in awe of the sunset, or look up at the night sky just to stare at the stars.

But more than noticing God’s masterpieces in creation, I choose to invest in relationships [the masterpieces that I get to create], because that is something that brings God joy. It’s calling that friend you haven’t spoken to in a while, planning a coffee date, or FaceTiming your niece just because she misses you.

It’s these moments that I didn’t realise were giving me the strength to endure. Strength may not always look strong. Strength can be disguised by just making it through the day. On the days when it feels as if you’re barely going to make it, and weakness overwhelms you, strength is in the moment you choose to ignore the weakness and focus on God’s joy!

His joy is my strength. His joy is your strength.

JCS